Prestigious Minds Blog

Creating rapport with another person increases understanding and that sense of connection. In this writing I will be talking about ways to gain rapport with another person. Before we discuss how to gain rapport with another person you should understand about representational systems.

In the post “Going through the world” I had touched on the subject of the map and model of the world. We use our five senses to make the map and model of the world around us.

We use predicates of those senses to describe our world as we experience things. As an example here is a short list of predicates one might be using:

VISUAL

• See
• Picture
• Look
• Notice
• Imagine
• Appear

AUDITORY

• Tell
• Ring
• Loud
• Mention
• Interview
• Discuss

KINESTHETIC (feel/do)

• Grasp
• Feel
• Hold
• Hunch
• Flow
• Softly

OLFACTORY (smell)

• Aroma
• Essence
• Musty
• Sweet
• Dank

GUSTATORY (taste)

• Bitter
• Flat
• Spicy
• Tangy

UNSPECIFIED

• Advise
• Decide
• Know
• Think
• Understand

For a more complete list click here.

Phrases you might become aware of as you listen to people talk are as follows:

VISUAL

• Bird’s eye view.
• Beyond a shadow of …
• In light of …
• Showing off

AUDITORY

• Afterthought
• Outspoken
• Tongue-tied
• To tell the truth
• Tuned in/tuned out

KINESTHETIC (feel)

• All washed up
• Come to grips with
• Not following you
• Slipped my mind
• Boils down to

Understand these two list are not a complete list of predicates and phrases. But as you listen to yourself and others around you speak, you can become in tune with the predicates and really get a grasp on how what is said relates to how you can see clearly what is being said.

Now, with this understanding one other piece of human behavior is helpful in knowing about. Did you know how we breathe is an indication of the representational system we are using at that moment in time?

Generally, when a person is using or is in a kinesthetic mode they will be breathing from below the mid-line of the body and their speech will be slow and thought out. When people are in auditory mode breathing occurs more mid-line and speech patterns are more like a song or has a rhythm to it. While in a visual mode people tend to talk really fast and are breathing from higher in the chest. This is an important distinction you should make in noticing both from where you or another is breathing and what choice of words are being used.

On to the good stuff now that you understand about representational systems and phrases.

The first way to gain rapport with another person (this includes you) is to use the words they use. You have a partial list of predicates just begin to use the same predicates people use and it is like you are talking their language. So in other words match the words they use to gain rapport.

If a person is using visual predicates and you use auditory predicates as you communicate there is a disconnect and less of a feeling of understanding.

There are other kinds of things one can match to gain rapport with another person. Matching is the process of adjusting some aspect of your external behavior to approximate those of another persons behavior. For example, when the other person tilts his/her head to their left, you adjust the tilt of your head in a similar fashion to match his/her particular movement.

Ways to match others are as follows:

WHOLE BODY MATCHING

Adjust your body to approximate the other person’s postural shifts.

BODY PART MATCHING

Pace any consistent or stylistic use of body movements; i.e. eye blinks, breathing.

HALF BODY MATCHING

Match the upper or lower portion of another persons body.

HEAD/SHOULDERS ANGLE PATTERNS … PREDICATES

Match characteristic poses that another person offers with his/her head, shoulders and predicates.

INDIRECT MATCHING (Cross-Over Mirroring)

Using one aspect of your behavior to match a different aspect of another person’s behavior; i.e. adjusting the tempo of voice to match the other person’s rate of breathing/ pacing the other person’s eye blinks with your finger or head nods.

With this not being a complete list of all the ways you can match a person I’d like to mention one last method of gaining rapport with others. The last method is to literally assume rapport. If you want to gain rapport with someone you don’t know if you begin to talk to them as if you knew them all your life there is an unconscious communication that takes place between you and the other person. One of the most effective ways I do it is before you begin to talk with another person just remember someone you already have a relationship with and go into the tone of voice you would use with them and the facial expressions and all the other unconscious behavior will fill in. It is helpful to really go into the state of actually knowing this new person as if you knew them your whole life. See what you would see, hear what you would hear, and feel as you would feel.

Now as you “Go through the world” isn’t it interesting how easily you can make the kinds of connections you want with others and yourself, wasn’t it?

James

One of the things I have learned over time and through the training I have gone through is ones reality isn’t necessarily the same as others. What I mean is we each make a map and model of the world around us. It is this map/model we operate from as we go through the world.

As an example: Remember having seen something happen like an accident. Now here is the interesting thing, when others are asked about what they saw the answer is most likely different from person to person.

We each process things in our own way. Some of us rely mostly on, perhaps, our sense of sight while another the sense of what we hear. The point is we have a primary sensory channel as it were. That’s not to say we all use all our senses, it’s just to say we rely on one sense more then the others.

How could this information be helpful to understand?

The next time you are in a conversation or a situation with others notice how they are processing the world around them and begin to match the sensory channel they use. As you begin to match their reality you might find a new sense of understanding and connection with them. ( actually that’s exactly what happens )

Another way this information is helpful: Any time there seems to be some limitation you run into simply experience things differently. If you are relying on one sense over the other senses  switch senses. You might ask,”How does one do that?” If you were to just (in your mind) pop yourself out of your body and see things how others around you see or hear what others around you hear, you will come to a new understanding of what is going on. Ask yourself, “Is it how I experience the world that is limiting?” If it is. Using this technique you can gain new knowledge to overcome, adapt, and change the way you respond.

Be bold and step into another persons map and model of the world. Step out of your own map/model of the world. Gain new insights and understandings.

James